reclaiming my life in my 30s 🌒

For most of my adult life, I was existing—not living. At 32, something shifted. For the first time, I’m making choices based on what I want, not what others expect. Until this very moment I had very literally thought about everybody else and not myself. And the worst part is that I didn't even understand that I was doing it.

Now looking back it makes me sick to stomach to think what everything I have been holding up and holding in just to be the nice girl. It makes me nauseous to think all the times I didn't say go off when I had a chance and still sometimes very rarely, but sometimes I catch myself almost doing something that is not my own idea. But i have been starting to get really good at tracing it. Also other things have made me nauseous lately and that's why I am vegetarian nowadays. I feel more like myself and also closer to mother earth.

There was a moment -a while ago where I really needed to stand up not only for myself- but also people who were coming under my wings when it was raining. To be honest- I didnt want to go to war- nor a battle but when there is a bunch of small birds hiding under my wings you really don't have a choice.

So I did -and little did I know in that moment that it changed everything for my future.

Where before I was always the quiet one and tolerating now I am loud and obnoxious. I spent 20 years being silent even when somebody did me wrong I never spoke a bad word about them behind their back. Now if you do me wrong I will let the world know. I will also let you know about it.

The life has been weird and freeing for myself since. I have had interesting discussions and I have been standing in my ground in parking lots, in studios, in yard and bars. I have been fighting over where dogs can enjoy their day, where I can park (Once so that I called the CEO of the company where a person worked), wrong invoices sent me and who was in line before who. And god how most of them have been just ruffling feathers over nothing. And oh how much each of them have given me my power back. You could say that I can be a real pain in the ass if you wrong me.

I really had to step back and ask myself for whom I was living this life for? Who was I trying to make proud of me? Whom I was trying to get approval from? Who I was afraid would judge me? What was so important that I wanted to prioritise it over my own happiness, well-being and restricting my creative mind? Girl, we ain't pushing down how we really feel no more in here. That kind of behaviour leads to autoimmune diseases.

I used to round edges for people when they asked opinion. Mold and stretch and arc and curve. And for what?

I can either cry and feel bad or I can try to do something ONCE for myself.

I grew to be so damn curious how my life would be if I did exactly what I really loved. Not sometimes, but everyday. Every single day. I grew up in Northern Finland where darkness eats most of the day. A place which is known by its melancholic metal music and depression. Life should be pain and anxiety and it is just what it is.

Well god speed to you- I will select something else for myself.

So I danced. I traveled and danced. I shopped. I created. And danced. I rode horsers in the sea when sun was setting and my hair was flowing in the wind.

And for the first time in my life I felt something else than just pure happinness.

I felt at peace.

freedom.

and I am so proud of myself. I am never going back to that dark small seashell.

Todaloo,

Tara Who