Pain, Pajamas, and Questionable Coping Mechanisms 🌖

Hi,

It’s the 12th of December as I’m writing this, and the pain is still here — persistent, loyal, clingy… honestly the longest love affair of my life. I’m learning to coexist with it. Befriend might be too strong of a word, but we’re definitely on speaking terms. At this point, I barely remember what a pain-free life felt like. I assume it was magical.

Most days I’m still in bed, trying to negotiate with my nerves like a hostage negotiator who’s severely underpaid. Motivation? Oh, she’s been on holiday. I finally got cleared to move, dance, even go to yoga — and yet the gravitational pull of my cozy little bubble is unreal. The ball stopped rolling after the accident and, unfortunately, restarting it requires an entire internal village. Currently the village is understaffed.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have access to most of my leisure things or, frankly, my wardrobe. Seeing friends becomes a challenge when half your clothes are in Narnia and the other half are one existential crisis away from becoming pajamas. So yes, the isolation has been real — except for horseback riding. Thank god for that. Honestly, horseback riding might be the only thing keeping my soul plugged into the charger.

I’ve been trying to celebrate tiny victories: brushing my teeth, going to the dentist, adding one extra step to my skincare routine, stretching for five whole minutes like an Olympic hero. And yet the struggle is still a daily sport. The eternal outside darkness isn’t doing me any favors either — who knew seasonal depression would show up early and take the front seat?

Coping mechanisms? Yes, hello, shopping and eating. I admit it. Have I indulged in more than a few comforting vegetarian dinners? Absolutely. Did it give me 30 minutes of joy followed by a warm sense of “maybe everything isn’t doomed”? Also yes.

Doctor visits have basically become my part-time job. Two times a week is my new normal. People try to help, and I appreciate it, but nothing has really cracked the code of this pain yet. I even joked to a friend today that I’d sign up for whatever extreme brain reset the medical world could offer if it meant some relief — that’s how deep the frustration goes.

So… motivation.Any ideas? Tips? Inspiration? Mini challenges I can do? I’m open — maybe not “climb Everest” open, but definitely “help me get out of bed without bargaining with the universe” open.

toodaloo, Tara Who