sunnuntai 1. heinäkuuta 2018

w h e n i t g e t s d a r k ☾

oh dear.

When it rains, it pours they say. I was really contemplating whether or not should I write today anything at all, but then encouraged by my friend I decided to write. 

I have been partying a lot lately
- and oh dear it has been good times. I have been enjoying every second of it. 
I think this was the first weekend without any drinks so long time I can not even remember XD but you know being young & wild is what you do in your twenties, right.

But unfortunatelly, the thing you try to supress find always back to you.
I am still not totally over what happened end of the last summer- and to be honest I might not ever be.
But I do think that finally I am ready to open up about it a bit.

Long story short- I got my hands into the situation where in the end it turns out that there was a guy in abusive relationship.
He turned up with bruised face to me and I thought I could save him.
I fell in love getting him out of the situation- he did bad things to me physically & emotionally and in the end I didn't anymore knew who was being abusive and bad in that situation and who wasn't. 
I got myself manipulated and physically hurt and it left me traces that I never knew could hurt me that much.
He stole everything in my life.
So I got a new life.

I left everything behind of me that I ever had some relations to him.
I fell in quite big dark hole for a moment.
I was wise enough to know that I can not be left along with the things he did to me so I spoke and spoke.
And I cried and cried.
And I spoke some more.
It helped, but not enough.
I love and appreciate all the people around me who helped me.
But sometimes it is heartbreaking to hear that they can not save you.
But it is something you need to hear, I guess.

Then came new people, new friends and new jobs.
And then it got better, like it always does.

But there are still days when I walk down the street and imagined him walking up to me andI can hear the blood boiling inside of me.
There are still days when I got awful panic and anxiety attacks in the places I used to be so comfortable before.
There are those night terrors that haunt me in. 
There are days when my hands get sweaty and shaky and I feel like there is no resolution how I feel.
There is still days I accidentally through mutual connections saw he got engaged recently.
And those times makes me just so angry to think how somebody can do someone so bad and have right to just continue living their life normally when you were the one left with all this physical and mental scars that took my life away?

in those days I don't feel the best.
But something I do feel, is the feeling of fighting.
I would never quit just because giving monster that kind of satisfaction.
And I think nobody should.
I might lose a battle,
but oh brother- this war I won't lose.

so that being said-
I don't usually hope bad to people because I am afraid of karma
but I hope that you step your toe every single table leg that exists
I hope you spill you ugly ass coffee to every workday at the office to your white shirt
I hope every public toilet u enter has a lock broken and toilet paper ended
I hope all your games crash
I hope your lunch is way too salty all the time :D:D:D:D

ok bye