keskiviikko 2. toukokuuta 2018

w e a r e w h a t w e c h o o s e t o s t r u g g l e f o r 🌙

Before we speak more about motivation, I just want to share something that happened to me.
As a disclaimer I am highly emotional human being.
And it shows really easily to outside.
It is something that has always been like that.
As an example- when I was a child every time I got excited or extremely concerned my nose started bleeding blood. Yeppp, that emotional.
And it is awful. People say that it is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply
-I say it is deadass curse.

I have been very stressed lately because of my master's thesis and other inconviniences.
Couple of years ago I made a decision to delete the email app from my phone, because I simply burned out. The amount of only stressing and ALWAYS NEGATIVE emails I got from for instance university is ridiculous.
Someone who has not got those kind of emails, can not understand the underlying stress and sleepless nights those cause.

Today as I was on discord speaking to my friend I started hearing like bombing in Tallinn. It is quite normal that they have these fireworks allover the city because it is allowed here 365days/year, but this was something different. I think due to high amount of stress and not feeling very balanced I shocked. I went totally a full-on-panic-attack mode.
As I tried to read the news if there is something going on the first news came up was something about NATO but I couldn't read anymore.
I simply lost my reading skills for the first time in my whole entire life.
And then it became hard to even talk.

I don't think I am scared of dying.
If something it feels like serenity.
But in that moment I literally regretted every single decision of my life & I most definitely didn't want to leave by getting bombed.
This overwhelming feelings of unrealistic fear, loneliness and panic took over me.
And I can not make up any other reason that but the horrible stress and bad headspace I am currently under.

In the end- there is this one military base near to my house and I guess they were having some practices. As the sound stopped I went to vomit to the bathroom and took my thesis and started writing it again. Just for someone who wonders the hours put that piece of shit is at the moment around 300 hours.
SOOOO How are you?

Finding motivation for things that seem to be bullshit to you is extremely difficult. If you are not feeling that you do something important, it is nearly impossible to motivate ourselves to do anything.
Atleast, that is the case for me.

There is two things I can not stand in this world.
1) Corruption
and secondly
2) Snakes

And when there is corruption and snakes, there is no reason to do anything in a right way.
The thing is, seeing in so many industries the amount of corruption makes me physically sick.
And not even that- but the fact how nobody is there to make effort to lesser it.
People inside the game just quietly accept it - and I do not blame them.

It feel so good finally to be on the step to leave all this corrupted-ass things behind, and moreover-
it was SOOOOOOOOO refreshing finally in the end of last year to participate only the projects where people respect you to who you are, and your knowledge and you do not have tolerate anything else. The projects I am invovled now are all so encouranging to speak up and they FIGHT against all the corruption. Ofcourse, it is not possible to remove it all, but there are certain things can be made.

When I first started I was a young naive girl.
And I do not get offended really easily.
But looking back to it now being in so much better environment I hope I could change it sooner.
Well- it is not that serious with me -gladly.

We all have to do things we do not want to do, but we still do it.
And to be able to do it- it is necesserary sometimes to trick ourselves by motivating us to do something to get further in life.

Because in the end
-we are not what we say we are.
We are what we choose to struggle for.