perjantai 25. toukokuuta 2018

I w o n ' t f i x , I ' d r a t h e r w e e p ☾

y o !

Somebody asked me relating to last post, how I see the change in myself.
Let me tell you! 
I have start to postpone things in my personal life which I never did earlier.
And as said, I crave social contact so much more than before.
Before I could spend weeks alone,  but now only one day feels like end of the world for me.
I have't been calling so much to people I used to be contact. I literally called people several times in a week and nowadays I don't even speak on my phone.
The things I used to love are still in my heart but they have lost their meaning.
I used to make photo shootings almost every day.
When I got a package delivered earlier I was so damn e x c i t e d !
Now  I haven't even opened my package which I got.
I used to be crazy cleaning lady.
I was obsessed with cleaning.
Nowadays I look things more like Jenna Marbles; your house should look like there is someone living in there. 
I used to cook all my meals before, but nowadays I am just too lazy to do that.
And most of all- the passion determination and most of all get things done mentality is gone. 
My ultimate favorite thing was to do all this lists what I need to do and what I want to do.
I have tried so hard to go back there, but I just can not find that person anymore in my personal life.
And most of all, my tolerance toward rude people, shitty customer service and evilness is pure 0.

And maybe the anxiety is the thing that is manifesting itself through all this.
I am so damn tired all the time.
Why can't we all just live like Spanish people?
They know what's the jam.

I truly think anxiety is loads to do with growing up.
Or that is something that I hold on to, because it gives me comfort.
I have this theory that people are just different and some of it hits harder.
And let me tell you when it hits, it drowns you.

There is no worse feeling than being extremely anxious.
It is like somebody is calling to you all time time and saying
"something is wrong"
Times like this 27-club sound just so damn appealing.
I just can not hold on anything.
like everything is so damn slippery, and I am really tired to see if every new day there is a new thing.
And ofcourse there is- there is always, but is it worth of it.

My biggest dream always when growing up was to have a large tight friend circle around me.
You know the one whom you can have a group chat and change silly ideas 24/7.
I think that is something that is more important than any other thing in this world.
To have close people around you who you can trust.