torstai 15. maaliskuuta 2018

sekotan vodkaa ja tunteita

trigger and rant warning**

Let's speak about the demons that hang around with me.
As I have written earlier to you, I have crazy nightlife with my dreams. Past months they have got very very bad, and last night was like a cherry on a top of the cake. I mix up dreams and real life and waking up during and within my dreams makes me believe I am wide awake when I am actually sleeping.
During last night there was a little boy coming with own keys to my apartment, there were some noises all around and as I woke up I moved from my sofa to bed. I end up waking up to my sofa again. How come, I ask.

The thing is, that I very rarely act weird or have these terrible nightmares if somebody sleeps next to me and hugs me. 

But when I am alone, the shit goes down, so to say.
Last night was very drowning, and sad.

First, the things were fun and exciting; my dreams made good stories to my lunch breaks to my friends and it kept me all excited and entertained.

Yesterday, however, I just wanted to leave this planet, and even though night time everything feels so much worse I just felt that there is time for everyone in this planet, and I am not sure if it is worth with all these demonic friends around.

Then people ask me if I am stressed.
Of course I am not! or I am always but nothing too excessive.
I think I might be living my life in a wrong way, because I have made to hustlin'.

Lately, I have tried my best to took my head away from the question if this is it.
I am so sick and tired of getting angry drama emails about some school stuff,
and I am so sick and tired of people who intentions are just mean, not maybe to me but to someone.
I am sick and tired of people just thinking about themselves.
I am sick and tired of making breakfast to cheaters in my backyard. 
I am tired of all these fuckboys & fuckgirls around and I am tired that I sleep or do my uni things all my leisure time.
I am so tired of being lost and alone.
Also I am tired of this winter weather (& now nobody will make funny me).

So I went today to the gym.
I trained legs and went to Sauna with my headphones on.
I got some pizza and got home.

I just really want to Finnish my master's degree and get out from the university.
There is 7.5 billion people on this planet, where are all the available nice kind guys? because most certainly not here.