sunnuntai 11. maaliskuuta 2018

I wish I could do exactly what you did I wish I could hurt you back

Y O !
Last week I have been killing it in means of sports, school and other projects as well. In other words, I have been productive and what comes with that is sleeping pattern which wouldn't be defined as healthy, I believe.

I haven't been able to eat properly past weeks. My appetite is kinda gone, so when I am eating I make sure it is something calorie intense and something I like. On the positive note, I have been very focused on my trains and I have been concentrating stretching as well. The last week was pretty packed and I think my stress came down on Friday. I went to someone's place in the evening because I really didn't want to spend my evening alone ( I still have some cold throat issues+I felt anxious). A lot happened during that evening, but finally I end up felling asleep on his couch. I begged to continue sleeping but he woke me up by asking me to move to bed. After I moved there I got very bad headache and rest of the night I spend by laying on my bathroom floor hugging the toilet seat.
Good times aye!
However afterward I felt good. I felt like I was vomiting all my sorrows, stress and anxiety to the toilet. The black liquid looked like the most darkest corners of my soul.
Was it coke or was it my black soul coming out?
I guess we will never know. 

Last week I said to my friend -that I hope this week woud be one where I would be fully in my health and not had to visit the doctor or hospital. WELLLL it wasn't quite so, but I believe one week it is still coming ;D

In the Saturday morning, I ordered some breakfast to home and started working on my thesis. 
I felt blank and tired but maybe the first time in my whole entire life clear.
I feel like I have been having so long time this backpack with me that I don't want to carry. And by long time I mean years. I think it came me somewhere around when I was a teenager and it had grown since then to be a proper camping backpack. But the problem with that bag is that I have just thrown there more things and I haven't taken there anything off. You know and since then it has swollen up and all my little things have been attaching together and when now I try to take something out, it won't come!!!! Or then all the little things come out together. How annoying is that!! So I just have been filling it more- even though I would like to burn the whole backpack. 
The most annoying backpack of them all lol. 

So whatever- even though the things inside are attached af I feel like unattached.
And for the first time in my whole entire life clear.
Like someone would all the sudden rip off all the fog from the sky and now I can see all the stars clear.
And more overly- I see why the fog was there in the first place. 
Now as I know it I have too options.
Whether I can swell on it- think about it all day and all night.
And make sure everyone gets their part and make myself sad and everyone else.

Or then I can time travel back in time before I had the backpack and just work things out and move on.
So what would you do if youd feel you felt unattached and a stranger who came from another planet to this one and had absolutely no clue how things are working in this culture? 
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