maanantai 25. syyskuuta 2017

I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.


It is your favorite Scandinavian girl here! Today I have a long-ass post for you so embrace yourself.
Really, I don't even know where to start this one. Well, let's start it from the beginning.

I don't usually write about my love life at all, but I think it is so interesting topic man!
Like not all in your life, but just like so good storytimes so why not.
Life ain't that serious :-D

If I go first dates with someone I usually say that don't go and read my blog. Sometimes they have done it already and sometimes they don't believe me. And then there are those, who do read but then lie about it (Personal favorite group, I am psychic don't even try :-D)

Once I went dates with a person who straight up said that he has read one post and said that he didn't read more because it felt like cheating. That was really sweet sentence to say - and more importantly, very true. 
I love you to read my blog.
 But if you are planning to be with me the rest of my life let me show you how I am.

You can read & be present all other my social media I love it more than world when people do that.
When we know each other better you can read all my posts ;> 
and now you are reading this on Monday 25.9.2017 and thinking, shit woman are you talking about me, I am not. You know me and have seen my demons well enough already stop overthinking 

But this very needed backstory for this storytime. 
So let's start. 
Those who know me personally know that I have had some not-super-nice time when I just became legally adult. It was kinda rough year of growth for me and I handled issues a lot in tactics that were not the best ones. This was loads before I started lifting or lived in Tallinn. Ever since, if some crisis hits me I have always been kinda scared to go back to that dark place because I knew that in a long term it does not help me or develope me as a person.  But here I was after this one and I kinda took time travel to that moment and made things even more hardcore for a while.
However, the situation is whole new because still, I am older and hopefully wiser now.

I really don't want to talk about this whole ending of summer anymore. Mainly for two reasons. First, I don't want to give any publicity for this issue anymore, because I know every time I keep referring this thing in my social media, the person who constructed this whole game gets excited. And if something that is fucked up. There is nobody that can save you. You can only save yourself.
And that is what I decided to do here.

Even though, I have worked a lot with my third eye and ego death past weeks I still don't think it is healthy for me to keep mentioning this thing over and over again, but hopefully last time bringing this up and answering the question which has been so often asked; no I haven't break up from anyone and secondly all the crises that has been happening around have nothing to do with people who have been present in my social media. These people in this crisis don't have socal media life at all, they are randoms in that sense I want to make this very clear. I don't have single picture, video, or anything on my social media about the things and people who related to this issue. My social media consists only my dear ones. Those ones who do not make me go through crises. So stop making guesses my little detectives. Every person who ends up to my social media are absolutely gold-hearted, beautiful souls <3. If I introduce someone to you, it is most likely someone who I really fancy ;> not some random back and forth people XD

But there are also those ones, who have a bit different motives. I am not trying to say that I am relevant in any possible way, I am totally opposite, as relevant as paper bag, man :-D
But damn peoples motives are sometimes so sketchy, and this is why I don't want to talk anything about these crises anymore here because I simply don't think they are worthy of anyone's energy.
I am still healing yes.
But I think one of the most advantageous things for me was yesterday under a Starsky when I quietly whispered to myself that "I forgive you"

I have this perception in life that everything can be settled. I mean, that nobody does need to find new scenery because life is not so serious. But in this time, the only time in my whole entire life I let someone take only things I love in my life and use them against me.
And well - that is enough already.
As said, I forgive to myself not knowing better. 
And with that I let go. I just kinda got the idea, that yeah not my things anymore why I even cared, life ain't so serious Tara :D
Then I felt a bit embarrased to be such a dramaqueen over all things.
O M G 
I am smiling when I write this.
I am sometimes hilarious (-hiiri :-D)

So now as this is getting out of the way, let's go back to that eighteen again. 

I don't give up. 
I don't know that word and I was not taught to give up. 
But I can say when you try ten thousand times to wake up and try and every single time you fail, it is not a good time. 
I didn't wake up when I was wine-drunk alone drawing silly things to my notebook and the barista came to say that we are closing.
 I didn't wake up when I was getting every single sweet from the shop (I usually would never do that if I am sad) and 
I didn't wake up when I was watching youtube videos 14 hours in a row. 
I didn't wake up when all the things I usually do right away, I left to the last moment. 
I didn't wake up when I first time in my whole entire life almost quit dancing.
 I didn't wake up when I have been inside with my curtains closed that I ALWAYS keep open to see the beautiful sky.
I didn't wake up because I didn't want to.
It was a choice that I made.

But to be honest, I knew I could do better.
I just didn't want to.
I knew I could be smarter.
But again, I did a choice and I didn't want to.

Then I decided after ten thousand times to keep trying so long that one day I will succeed. And so the day came. First, it was one 1/7 was fine. Then it was 2/7.
And then I fell sick, back to square one.

I have felt a bit better about the flu past days and I even went to the studio today. 
I came home and I was sweaty and I had eaten all the candies then whole day and the all the sudden it hit me. 
I really miss me.
I really miss me being me with new people.
It is so weird how the people that I met recently accept me as who I have been even though I have been totally acting like myself.
I have been a hot mess instead of being boss ass third eye lady.

But lowkey I have to admit I have also been enjoying this side of me.
It has lead me a kinda new side of myself and it has made totally feel free about anything.
I have done some crazy-ass-shit that I most definitely have done if I hadn't given up those things I most love in my life.

I would like to say that this summer taught loads about myself or about life,
 but the truth is 
it didn't 
I would love to end this post like this. 
It would be poetic and dandy.
But oh man this summer was not my wisest thing to do.
But sometimes you do these things in life.
And then you just hope one day, that you know better.