torstai 3. elokuuta 2017

life is like a soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I hate fucking soccer

m o i c c u !
I read a meme which said that "life is like a  soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I hate fucking soccer." aaaaaand I think it is pretty funny & ironic, it is also sometimes way too accurate. 

Lately, I have been contemplated a lot what is right and what is wrong. Like nothing too specific, just life in general. I feel like couple of months ago I was so certain about some things in life. You know, like really in an easy way; you obey the law, you are in the good path. You do the things that you don't admit are expectations toward you and deep down that is not where your heart belongs, but you do them because they are right. You are suppose to work 9 to 5 (or wine on Fridays) and on weekends you should get slightly drunk and avoid doing embarrasing things, and if you do feel bad on Sunday morning (especially about the thoughts you had the previous night).
I am not sure if that is how life works. 
I am not sure if that is something I signed up for. Maybe neither my mom did.

And when I talked about this to person close to me, he said; look around you everyone is miserable.
I am sorry to say, but I don't see it.
I am sorry to say, but I don't think day after day you should only live ocd life with tragedy consuming your days by laying on the couch thinking about catastrophy theories.
Let me explain why. 

Past six months I have let people to see my heart and let people that I WOULD NEVER IMAGINE HANGING WITH half a year ago. They have taught me a lot about life, and showed me unconsciously how they live their life. And I have to admit they have had a positive impact on me as well. I have also done loads of things I could never imagine doing before. Not big projects or anything or not even going out of my comfort zone, just experiencing different aspects of life, ofcourse without dropping myself and the things that are important for me down.

I think the most important thing that I truly realised was that sometimes you just need to be honest to the feelings, ideas and concepts that are dear to your heart. As soon as you stop bullshitting yourself (and others) and you say the expectations boybye, you let things, people and opportunities to your life that belong there.

I have never believed anything spiritual-energy-bullshit. But well, I guess it is mandatory for me to say that there is shit going down behind the curtains which I often have no idea of. 
Saying good bye to those BOUNDARIES and EXPECTATIONS that I have been trapped into and totally created BY MYSELF sets my soul free. I am pretty sure this is what freeing your soul means, because it is something I have never ever felt before. Sometimes it feels genuine smile on my cheeks, or laughter on a sunny day. Other days it feels like pain on the left side of my chest and rain drops on my cheek. 
It has made me stop using make up (mostly). 
It has made me stop speaking/ writing in Finnish because fuck that. It has made me stop wearing bras (sometimes tho). It has made me to drop down punch lines to my DM's like "let me educate ya boi" and it has made me do silly jokes in inappropriate places because they just feel right.

 It has made me to say "Excuse me, but fuck you, I won't apologize that I feel bad today and I am sorry I need to take care of the next hour for me to be alive" it took me 24 years to admit the first time, that today I am not alright and I am not sure if I ever will be. 
And I need to admit, those days I need someone to get me back to my foot and kickass the world again.
Like we all do, right?
Am I right, or am I right. 

But the thing is, ofcourse I will be.
The light in the end of the tunnel has not been cut down. Eventhough sometimes it can be hard to see, feel or hear. 
The thing is, the repair men are already fixing it, and they will do it so that it will be even clearer, brighter and shinier for you to find it again. In that way you can find your home easier and faster.
And that is what repair men do -they repair things, them to be better, stronger and brighter. 

But oh, when it feels to be lost, it feels like being completely alone in the middle of the ocean, sobbing by yourself, inside a fog that you can not even explain. in a small boat trying to find home and not even knowing where the home is.

But today is not to day to be out in the sea.

Today is the day to giggle myself to the world.

The thing is.
How fucking corny it sounds. This fucking day will never come back. And it does not mean that I need to go immediately to out and experience all the things. It mean that I NEED TO DO THE THINGS that make me happy now.
If I am not doing them now how can I be sure it will make me happy in a long-term? There is NOWAY for me to knowing that. I am not fucking psychic (lowkey I am but still :D:D:)
stabbing yourself everyday won't make you happy, so find your happy place, find the things that keeps you warm inside and HOLD ON THEM.

I don't have an idea what in world is right thing do for you. But what I do know is that for me following my INTUITION, GUT FEELING and mostly my HEART is the place where I can find my inner peace.

PeacE OUT :-D

ps. plz don't ask me if I have becane crazy. you know the answer.
ofc I am I have been crazy ass beach always you just haven't seen it lolololololol