perjantai 25. toukokuuta 2018

I w o n ' t f i x , I ' d r a t h e r w e e p ☾

y o !

Somebody asked me relating to last post, how I see the change in myself.
Let me tell you! 
I have start to postpone things in my personal life which I never did earlier.
And as said, I crave social contact so much more than before.
Before I could spend weeks alone,  but now only one day feels like end of the world for me.
I have't been calling so much to people I used to be contact. I literally called people several times in a week and nowadays I don't even speak on my phone.
The things I used to love are still in my heart but they have lost their meaning.
I used to make photo shootings almost every day.
When I got a package delivered earlier I was so damn e x c i t e d !
Now  I haven't even opened my package which I got.
I used to be crazy cleaning lady.
I was obsessed with cleaning.
Nowadays I look things more like Jenna Marbles; your house should look like there is someone living in there. 
I used to cook all my meals before, but nowadays I am just too lazy to do that.
And most of all- the passion determination and most of all get things done mentality is gone. 
My ultimate favorite thing was to do all this lists what I need to do and what I want to do.
I have tried so hard to go back there, but I just can not find that person anymore in my personal life.
And most of all, my tolerance toward rude people, shitty customer service and evilness is pure 0.

And maybe the anxiety is the thing that is manifesting itself through all this.
I am so damn tired all the time.
Why can't we all just live like Spanish people?
They know what's the jam.

I truly think anxiety is loads to do with growing up.
Or that is something that I hold on to, because it gives me comfort.
I have this theory that people are just different and some of it hits harder.
And let me tell you when it hits, it drowns you.

There is no worse feeling than being extremely anxious.
It is like somebody is calling to you all time time and saying
"something is wrong"
Times like this 27-club sound just so damn appealing.
I just can not hold on anything.
like everything is so damn slippery, and I am really tired to see if every new day there is a new thing.
And ofcourse there is- there is always, but is it worth of it.

My biggest dream always when growing up was to have a large tight friend circle around me.
You know the one whom you can have a group chat and change silly ideas 24/7.
I think that is something that is more important than any other thing in this world.
To have close people around you who you can trust. 

tiistai 22. toukokuuta 2018

o u r b e s t f r i e n d s l i e t o u s a n d w e l i e t o o u r s e l v e s ☽

eiks tällä pääse kaikkiin laitteisiin? :-D

So to hospital off I went yesterday. I think I have some kind of tendency to end up in emergency rooms quite often by looking the fact that I do not have any serious illnesses. 
I am lucky to live pretty near to the hospital so I can go to my ultimate f a v o r i t e place anytime I feel like it!
I am kidding, ofcourse (To those Kela ladies who read my blog :-D)
So off I went there, without wanting to because my experiences of Estonian hospitals are not very, well let's say comfortable. 
After trying to contact all my friends here and anybody didn't answer I just swallowed my pride and went alone.
But this time it was comforting.
They took me in because I was so much in pain, and the nicest lady cover me with blankets to the hospital bed.
I was crying, not because I was hurt, 
but because she was so nice to me and treated me in a loving way. 
Turns out- it was gladly nothing too serious got some antibiotics and continued my evening. 
I still think whether I was just hallucinating or were there actually so nice, angel nurse.
She made me feel so safe.

I have so much to talk with you!
There are atleast 4 blog posts coming which are F U N !
but today I felt like going a bit deeper.
By the way, it is so damn hot in Estonia currently.
Like tropical ibiza -hot, I mean.

I have my defence on next week and even thinking about it makes me really anxious.
If me and school had broken up, Id be so over it if you know what I mean.
There are loads of things that have been changing in me while the years go by and I wonder if other people are seeing those changes as well. 
None, that those things matters but it is pretty confusing feeling to see yourself change.
One of the changes is that I do not want to be alone anymore.
Look at me! the earlier oh so lonely wolf has become a social butterfly.
Before I needed my time to be alone and I was so bothered of other people.
Now I crave just people around me so much.
And they make me happy!
I am not kidding when I say I am earlier people hater :-D

Predicting future has always been obsession of mine.
But nowadays I just have gave it up. 
Because every single time that I have said ID NEVER DO THAT IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE
I have done.

People often speak about their regrets, you know the usual stuff.
I remember myself answering to the question whether I regret something or not always that I don't.
That's a lot of BS right there.
Ofcourse I regret.
I regret every evening and day I was consumed by the anxiety that drove me to loneliness.
I could do anything to take those years and months back, but I just can't.
But what I can do is to look in the future and make sure I live for the fullest.
And that is something I will do. 
Overall life is currently lovable. 
I am happier that I have been in a very long time.
But there is still something that is lost and I can not grasp it,
not sure which direct should I move now.

ps. I will write more posts soon. Funnier ones!


perjantai 18. toukokuuta 2018

l o o k i n g t h e m o o n f r o m t h e o t h e r s i d e o f t h e w o r l d i s n ' t j u s t t h e s a m e 🌙


Sometimes you need to timetravel a bit to get a better perception to your environment.
So that was what I did.
I packed my bags and went to Marbella to breath a bit.
It was the best decision I have made for years.
I will write later on more with pics,

now I need to get some sleep 🌙

maanantai 7. toukokuuta 2018

I j u s t c a n 't w a i t t o g e t o n t h e r o a d a g a i n ☽

H e l l o  m y  d e a r  i n t e r n e t  f r i e n d s ,

I have became here to tell you with my humblest information skills I have,
that the other day the miracle happened.
Other people say it is a miracle, other say it is a destiny.
However, I call it
a blessing from the sky.

can you believe!1!1!1!
In other news, I am preparing myself to let go for the thesis as everything is about to be ready in only few weeks. That beloved "cap" took my mental health, relationships and ruined my training schedule but here I am !!! almost getting the GRADUATION CAP which is worth of 5200€ !!!!
it is an expensive cap, I will wear it every day.
because yall interested of my sleeping schedule, I had one of the sleep incidents again,
and was in a dream land 18hours out of 24 hours! much tired and stressed, eh? :-D
I felt absolutely crap the whole weekend and all I wanted to do is to be with my own sorrow and complain to my friends.
then came Monday and happiness I guess.

It is so sunny outside.
It is crazy.
And I love it!

Talk to you soon then.

keskiviikko 2. toukokuuta 2018

w e a r e w h a t w e c h o o s e t o s t r u g g l e f o r 🌙

Before we speak more about motivation, I just want to share something that happened to me.
As a disclaimer I am highly emotional human being.
And it shows really easily to outside.
It is something that has always been like that.
As an example- when I was a child every time I got excited or extremely concerned my nose started bleeding blood. Yeppp, that emotional.
And it is awful. People say that it is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply
-I say it is deadass curse.

I have been very stressed lately because of my master's thesis and other inconviniences.
Couple of years ago I made a decision to delete the email app from my phone, because I simply burned out. The amount of only stressing and ALWAYS NEGATIVE emails I got from for instance university is ridiculous.
Someone who has not got those kind of emails, can not understand the underlying stress and sleepless nights those cause.

Today as I was on discord speaking to my friend I started hearing like bombing in Tallinn. It is quite normal that they have these fireworks allover the city because it is allowed here 365days/year, but this was something different. I think due to high amount of stress and not feeling very balanced I shocked. I went totally a full-on-panic-attack mode.
As I tried to read the news if there is something going on the first news came up was something about NATO but I couldn't read anymore.
I simply lost my reading skills for the first time in my whole entire life.
And then it became hard to even talk.

I don't think I am scared of dying.
If something it feels like serenity.
But in that moment I literally regretted every single decision of my life & I most definitely didn't want to leave by getting bombed.
This overwhelming feelings of unrealistic fear, loneliness and panic took over me.
And I can not make up any other reason that but the horrible stress and bad headspace I am currently under.

In the end- there is this one military base near to my house and I guess they were having some practices. As the sound stopped I went to vomit to the bathroom and took my thesis and started writing it again. Just for someone who wonders the hours put that piece of shit is at the moment around 300 hours.
SOOOO How are you?

Finding motivation for things that seem to be bullshit to you is extremely difficult. If you are not feeling that you do something important, it is nearly impossible to motivate ourselves to do anything.
Atleast, that is the case for me.

There is two things I can not stand in this world.
1) Corruption
and secondly
2) Snakes

And when there is corruption and snakes, there is no reason to do anything in a right way.
The thing is, seeing in so many industries the amount of corruption makes me physically sick.
And not even that- but the fact how nobody is there to make effort to lesser it.
People inside the game just quietly accept it - and I do not blame them.

It feel so good finally to be on the step to leave all this corrupted-ass things behind, and moreover-
it was SOOOOOOOOO refreshing finally in the end of last year to participate only the projects where people respect you to who you are, and your knowledge and you do not have tolerate anything else. The projects I am invovled now are all so encouranging to speak up and they FIGHT against all the corruption. Ofcourse, it is not possible to remove it all, but there are certain things can be made.

When I first started I was a young naive girl.
And I do not get offended really easily.
But looking back to it now being in so much better environment I hope I could change it sooner.
Well- it is not that serious with me -gladly.

We all have to do things we do not want to do, but we still do it.
And to be able to do it- it is necesserary sometimes to trick ourselves by motivating us to do something to get further in life.

Because in the end
-we are not what we say we are.
We are what we choose to struggle for.

sunnuntai 29. huhtikuuta 2018

w h o n e e d s a s q u a d w h e n u c a n b e t h e s q u a d


This weekend was dope. On Friday evening after I came home I started work with my graduation paper (thank u for jesus that soon that will be over...) and then I went to the grocery shop, came back and played a bit. After the chicken dinner was not served, we decided to get old town to drink some wine and discuss about conspiricy theories. Way too many drinks later and 6 am we were still dancing at the Studio and having the time of our life. We both were drunk and at funny mood.
It was literally something we all needed in that point, after hustling lately like crazy people.

On saturday I spent having horrible hungover and watching absolutely horrific horrorthriller. It was called Split and I have literally haven't been so into a movie for a while.
I felt like I was in the movie.

Today I went to have breakfast at the old town and it was absolutely delicious.
It was a good weekend I must say.

Also I am seeing so many crazy dreams again, the most exciting being always the ones I get in the middle of the dream that this is dream.
To be honest, I could have couple of days more to relax but oh well-
How was your weekend?